It Takes a Village

This fall, my husband I decided to become foster parents (definitely a decision that deserves its own blog post). Anyone who has gone through this process knows that there are a lot of hoops to jump through to make sure that your home is ready for a foster child. One of those hoops is called the TIPS-MAPPS class.  It is a 10-week, 30-hour class in which prospective foster parents are asked to learn more about how trauma affects brain development and decision making. It also prompts future foster parents to discuss if the decision to foster a child is in the best interests of their families and if they are willing to do what is best for a child to help reintegrate him into his original family or prepare to be adopted. This is definitely not a decision to be entered into lightly - it is life changing for all involved. Most people have heard and used the phrase, "It takes a village to raise kids" - but do we truly respect it?

This weekend, as I was skimming through Facebook, I came across this post (I do not know if it is true or if it just fake news. Based on my research, the due to lack of specific names or places, or an original post site, I would put money on the fact that it is a propaganda piece meant to divide those who read it - in which case it succeeded):

AND IT MADE ME SO MAD!

This made me mad because it's making a division between the "haves and have-nots"; this made me mad because teachers are sharing and "liking" it. This supports a notion that only children who act a certain way deserve to be educated. There is nothing about this that says, "Hey parents, let's work together to guarantee your child's future success."  This letter says, "It's all your fault." Not sure about you, but as a parent, that doesn't make me want to partner up and work together with a school.

If there is one thing I have learned during this foster care journey, it is not to place judgement or blame. I know that my foster son's mom loves him. I know that she did her best to teach my son manners and rules. I know that she did the best that she knew how to do as a mom with four young kids and very little education. I know that her intentions were always in the right place. I also know that she was just trying to survive each day and keep her kids safe. I know that in doing so her children were sometimes placed in sketchy situations because she could not afford daycare during the day and had to work 2nd shift to make ends meet. I know that she never meant for him to be in situations where he got hurt. But you see, this is where I can step outside of the box and really analyze my feelings.  She did the best she knew to do with the knowledge that she had. She is not a bad person. She did, however, make bad choices - because she didn't know any different and she did not have the resources to be successful. 

There is a barrier between families who struggle economically and the schools their children attend - that barrier is built out of fear and judgement. I am not condoning the abuse that many children face. I am not saying it is okay for parents to abandon or neglect their children. I am not saying any of those things. What I am saying is that the finger-pointing needs to stop. People do the best they can with what they know - and no one knows more about children than teachers.

Imagine the difference this letter could have if it read:

Dear Parents, 

We are here for you. We are here to help educate your student BOTH socially and academically. We know that you are trying to teach your kids to use kind words, be truthful, demonstrate manners, and show respect for others. We are not here to judge you, but we would like to help you. We have spent years reading and researching techniques about behavior and manners. We have resources to share. We would like to help you if we can - simple as that.

I am not a perfect parent. My birth son sometimes wears dirty jeans to school without me realizing it. My birth son lied to his teacher even though we stress the importance of telling the truth. My birth son did not have his homework done on time the other night because we were too busy to get to it. And my birth son's mom is a teacher. I am a teacher, and I struggle, too! I am glad that his teacher is part of my team, my village. I am thankful that she knows how important my son is to me. If we hope to change the feelings towards education - we have to start changing the way we treat each other. We have to take the barrier away between parents and teachers. This is not a "them vs. me" situation. A chid's parent is my strongest teammate because it takes a village - which is why this rhetoric must stop.